The Breakup Playlist and The Breakup

Watched the two films recently for the lack of something to do on a weekend.

Just a week apart, I tried to stick around till the end of each movie just to see if I could get something real out of it.

Both of them did not disappoint. The playlist movie talked about reconciliation after a breakup even though one of the characters uttered something about being killed emotionally. The Aniston-Vaughn movie tried to deal with their breakup the childish ways at first but eventually mustered maturity and separated to find each of themselves.

I wish I could be in any of the two films. That I could incline for a reconciliation and move forward despite "being killed" by the breakup. Or that I could just pack up my things and fly to London to get a breathe of fresh air and move on peacefully.

So help me God.

Trying to find myself

In the midst of this breakup shit that we have been going through for the past two months now, I often ask myself if this was a good decision.

Kept running it over and over in my head, asking what I should do.

Do we just stay like this? Do we need to stop texting, stop talking?

Do we need to get more space in between? Cut all of the communication?

I could be going crazy and for the most part it was because of the frustration that I have been feeling.

It would be totally unfair to say that I do not see the positive changes that you have been doing, but the crazy side of me keeps telling my head that those things aren't the things I want to see from you.

I know, totally unfair, but how do I even convince myself that you are still the right one for me, when all that I see are the differences however small they maybe - the differences that makes me really go crazy.

And now, two months after, I still do not know how to deal with this shit.

But from what I have known, it is best that I stay away from you so that I stop hurting you. That is the last thing I wanna do - to hurt you.

You have been the most supportive and the most kind - but because I am really cuckoo, I do not see that and chose to see some of the small things in between.

I'm sure in the future I will face tough consequences from this decision to go away - but that is the only thing I can think of so I won't hurt you anymore.

I'm really sorry - but maybe it is also a way of telling us that we both need to grow some more apart.

Detox anyone?

Over the last couple of months, my facebook feed were flooded by detox, the basic ingredients and how you make them. Most of them I have known through my deceased grandmother while growing up while some of them are new to me and tempting to try, and yeah with tremendous health benefits too. 

However, this post has nothing to do with the benefits and the juices, nor how to make them. Lol

On New Years Eve, had too much roast ribs, too much rootbeer, too much clam chowder and a glass of martini champagne. Can you guess what happened next?

The answer is simple. Puke! Err, excuse me if you are eating while reading this coz it maybe a bit gross, but yeah, like everyone else, our body can only take so much food before it goes crazy and unload in a gross-but-natural way. Not a fan of this form of detox but what struck me was that it was New Years Eve and there I was feeling sick after the holiday champagne cheers with friends and unloading every piece of good food that I shoved down my throat and then effifany hits.

Also like everyone else, we consume so much baggage in our daily lives. You count those daily consumption 365 times and you get toxic throughout the year. You'd be lucky if you only consume half of that toxic within a year, but no one can really measure it and then when the body is full it unloads perhaps in the most ugly way.

Why am I talking about this shit on New Year? Well, it is because it is New Years. I have to remind myself that I need to be careful in taking all this shit in my body, in my mind or in my heart, so I won't have to puke them out all at once when everyone is kissing and hugging at the strike of midnight. No one wants to kiss a mouth with vomit breath, New Years or not.

Happy puking...err Happy 2015. 

What the concrete jungle is made of...

There had been too many people who said that New York is a concrete jungle and I will not disagree on that.
Having been in Chicago for three months now, I'm used to seeing moderate crowd on the streets and a subway line that is pretty easy to understand.
So, I went to the City with all these reminders that it will be "different" out there.
And true enough, New York is far too different than the windy city, for one, the crowd on broadway street did not falter even at midnight. People kept walking on that street and they're literally from all walks of life. Heck, I have seen more than 5 limos around and a pink one at that. McDonald's had no vacant seats even at 9pm, and the Empire State Building burns so brightly even at 11pm.
Then, there is the awesome Central Park which covers more than 4 subway stations and perhaps one of the best parks designed across the world. I can still see in my mind the magnificent skyscrapers peeking on the trees of the park...one of the wonders of the park.
Oh, and there's the Battery Park where you would be able to gaze at Liberty and at the same time haggle for LVs that must have come from the Little Italian Village nearby. Not to mention that Battery Park is filled with different kinds of performers who struggle with one another to get your attention even at 10am of sunday morning.
And then, the many visitors of St. Paul's chapel beside Ground Zero that reminds you so much of what was taken out of that vicinity by a freakin terrorist act.
And finally there's the fabulous clubs in Manhattan area...to die for.
So, what's the concrete jungle made of...pretty much fab things and landmarks...and oh a subway system where you could probably get lost not just once but twice.

I love you and happy anniversary

It was one year ago when we both agreed to be start a journey together.
I remember two of my friends thought it was a bad idea because I hardly know you.
Yeah. I actually thought that to myself as well.
Thinking that we would only last for a few months...I disregarded it as mere new experience.
In between that unsure self of mine and that krooklyness of yours, something good happened...we managed to get along.

Of course...no relationship is ever smooth. We've had fights and trials but we have handled them privately and managed to stay together and perhaps understand each other better.

I wouldn't have the past 12 months any other way.

I believe that you are indeed a blessing to me more than being a soul to guide for me.

It would have been totally awesome if we were given a chance to meet here in US or in Canada even for a week...but because we have too much blessing already...guess fate will have it another way.

Still, it makes me happy to know that we have come this far and have proven that this relationship can still move forward despite the distance...that's a feat already in itself.

More than that....its your love for me that makes the past 12 months really filled with blessing. I love you and happy anniversary.

The Miserable Ones

After spending 2 hours watching Burlesque, I felt I was already miserable. The lack of interesting plotline and remarkable music has turned me wanting for a real musical treat for the night.

It was a good thing that I saw portions or Les Miserables 25th anniversary concert last sunday afternoon in one of the local channels, and it did grab my attention so I rented out the dvd.

Initially, I thought that I would be seeing the actual play captured in dvd, but the title mentioned that it was a concert and so, I knew that it wouldn't be the actual play itself but perhaps the music in it.

Alfie Boe (Jean Valjean) and Norm Lewis (Javert) battling it out on the opening act when Jean Valjean is about to be released in prison. Look down is hauntingly beautiful and as a song it captures perfectly an ex-convict's wanting of true freedom but is always tied up to their dark past. Alfie Boe is phenomenal in all his songs throughout the concert, but he remains unforgettable in his rendition of Bring Him Home. Indeed perfect to be the main the character that binds the whole story.
Jean Valjean was given by the bishop a chance to redeem his life before he broke his parole by stealing again.

Act II can be summarized in two words, Lea Salonga. She plays Fantine. On the past stage plays, she was Eponine singing On my own. This time she belts out I Dreamed a Dream and probably her best performance to date. Some even commented that it was better than the original by LuPone. Lea remains in perpect pitch throughout the belting of that song, not screechy for even a bit and face with changing emotions. Our miss saigon made Filipinos proud on that second act, captivating the whole 02 arena in London of people all over the world, something to be truly proud of.

Act III was about the war in France and the love story of Cosette and Marius with Marius' friend Eponine. I'm not totally sure of Nick Jonas and the one who played Cosette because she sounded pitchy in her solo, but Samantha Barks' (Eponine) rendition of On My Own reminds me of Lea's rendition in the past in a different tone and with better emotions.

Nick Jonas' best performance in that evening would have been his Epmty Chairs and Empty Tables. At this point, you would appreciate the quality of his voice and the emotion of losing all friends in the battle.

Then Alfie sings again Bring Him Home. This rendition is the heart of the entire concert. You will hear some of the other cast of the past productions sing this song in the encore part of the concert as a group. But for a solo, Alfie gives his best performance belting out this song.

Finally, he sings a trio with Fantine and Eponine in his death bed. At this point, it is impossible not to be touched by the music and the emotional renditions of the singers and by the message of redemption and freedom.

And for someone like me who had no idea of even a single page of the book of Hugo, and the immortal characters on it, I must say it indeed touched my soul. I'm actually trying to find an ebook of the literary piece to store in my kindle and get the taste of the real thing of this masterpiece.

Show me how you Burlesque?

I had a musical night last night.

I ran across the dvd rental and saw that Burlesque and Les Miserables were both available for rentals.

Considering it would be impossible for me to watch both of them in cinemas here, I took out my amex and rented them.

My first on the list was Burlesque. I remember hearing Cher on tv saying she can live without an Oscar because this musical film did not get any nomination even after it got a Globe.

I've never seen so many musicals of late, but I liked both Moulin Rouge and Chicago, and perhaps the local film Emir, and maybe some parts of that Indian movie that got best picture from the Oscars last year.

Burlesque turned out to be a story of a burlesque club in LA and the story of a girl who dreamt of performing onstage. Hohum, not the most original storyline is it, and the opening number for Aguillera had to be a pseudo dream sequence in a diner she was about to leave.

Then she finally makes it to LA and saw this Burlesque club downtown while looking for a job, gets inside the club and tries everything to get a job there even as a waitress waiting for her time to be a star. Clearly at the first 20 minutes of the film I figured out why Oscar snubbed it - there was nothing original or remarkable about the film. Even the music wasn't good enough. Remember Queen Latifah's act on Chicago? I swear, Cher's act in this film sounded like it!

Halfway of the film, Aguillera gets into the stage, after Cher gave her a chance to be part of the performers, tries to strut her butt onstage. Amidst this riveting (not!) development on stage, the bar is threatened to be closed for being bankrupt. Darn...the bar is to be closed out and Cher doesn't do anything at all except to avoid the people she is supposed to be talking to, to prevent it from being closed. Hahaha.

Then love stories here and there and its climax already with Aguillera trying to pull of a stunt of live singing when some b1tch cut off her music while onstage. Finally, everything is sorted out in the end with Aguillera getting her guy and Cher preventing the bar from closing because of Air rights? Huh?

That's it folks. Oh dear. No wonder it gets snubbed. Unoriginal. Nothing remarkable. No production number turned out to be special or well-thought of. And the music is so-so.

Cast performances - blah. Cher's acting wasn't really much of an acting. She did better in Mermaids. Aguillera...hmm..her voice..yeah...the part..maybe..but nothing really special, it was as if everything is really staged. Jennifer Hudson would have been more interesting on that role. The rest of the cast - forgettable.

Oh yeah, and the struggling songwriter guy finally finished his song and Aguillera gets to sing it...what do you know...the title "Show Me how you Burlesque"...and nothing really new to offer in the music industry nor to the entirety of the film.

It was a good thing I had Les Miserables dvd at hand.

Up in the Air

I'm glad I stayed home tonight to watch HBO.
For couple of weeks, HBO in Chicago has been replaying Dark Knight and Valentine's Day.
I swear I have memorized both films eversince their first airing.


Tonight, after a Kate Winslet film that I did not catch the title, HBO's programming was to play Up in the Air.
I only remember its title as one of the Best Picture nominees of Oscars some years ago, and I knew George Clooney was the star.
Other than that, I don't know anything about the movie, or why the heck it was even nominated by the Academy.

The movie follows George Clooney's character as the guy who was hired by companies to fire people.
Not light them up, but to let go of their employment from the binding ties of the company.
He flies 340 days a year, and he flies around the US to do his job.
His job allows him to travel business class, or even first class. To live in a luxurious hotels.
His job allows him also to see each human get devastated for delivering the bad news to these people.

After several years of flying to different states to fire people, the company he has worked for wanted to cut cost of staff flying all over the US.
It's understandable for the company to cut down their operating costs, so they tried to pilot a new process of firing people - that is to do the firing in front of a computer screen from
the comfort of their own office in Omaha.
But the business of firing people is never easy to do in person, much more to try to do in a rather impersonal manner through a computer screen.

Having been in a situation wherein your boss asks you to leave the company because they no longer need you is probably one of the hardest situation.
For one, it is really devastating simply because when the company hired you, in your heart of hearts, you build up this dream of growing old in that company.
Not only because it pays your bill, but also because you believed that the company will take your life to greater heights while you give them your invaluable day-to-day contributions at work.
But business is business. Sometimes (or alot other times) the company needs to cut their operational costs and would sometimes rely to machines to cut their costs rather than keeping a staff who would incur more costs each year to their ever-growing list of cost.

The film does not end on a happy note, but George Clooney's character realizes some few things about life.
One, that he shouldn't be running away from his family just because he thinks that they are the responsibilities trying to strain his comfortable life.
Another thing he realized is that the new girl trying to pilot the new process of firing people isn't her enemy - and that he can learn a thing or two about human relationships with her.
And three, at the time he wants to settle with someone, the woman he wants to settle with is just seeing him as a paranthesis in her life. An escape from her married life.
Something that he was actually okay to be doing with her initially - but he had a change of heart.

In reality, we can toss everything up in the air. Our lives, our dreams, our families and even our careers.
Sometimes, someone else toss it up in the air. Alot other times, it is the circumstances that tosses them all up.
But when something is tossed up in the air, we always forget that it may just be one of the few things that are up there.
Not everything will be up in the air. Otherwise, gravity won't be working and the world will probably be damned if that's the case.

A month after.

January 2011 is almost over.

We are down to the last 10 daysand then February begins in a speed.

The next week marks my first month here in Chicago and it is something to be reallt thankful for.

One, the childhood dream of travelling to the US and seeing and experiencing snow came true.

Two, the business trip will increase my technical skills and will be good preparation for my future role as a team lead.

Third, the entire experience is teaching me to widen my perspective about the client and about life.

On my first week, there was Sev 1 tickets that I mishandled, and today I had 2 sev 1 tickets again but I have handled them both graciously and finished the first set of migration steps that I'm supposed to do.

I think this is what I would call aging professionally. :)

The client is not as terrible as they'd always seem. I figured they are also servicing their clients on a daily basis and most of the time they get sacked for mishandling some things in between good service and the lack thereof.

And of course, each of the things that are to be accomplished equates to a time frame, hence there'll always be time pressure on it.

So after a month of being here...what did i miss?

Hmm..alot i guess. Manila is such a warm place. Family and friends are there. Night outs. Good food. Endless laughs.

Then again, Chicago boasts alot of good experiences and astonishing places as well...most of them you would only see on postcards...and here I am walking in downtown chicago.

An opportunity

It was October when i first heard the news that the project is thinking of sending me to the client site for temporary assignment.
Quite a big opportunity if you ask me.
They usually send developers to gather requirements or get transition for the customizations.
But ladyluck smiled on me and here I am counting the remaining days before my first flight to the US - 5 days.
Not sure yet what's going to happen in the coming four months, but it will probably be the most memorable four months of this decade for me.
Wouldn't want to think that it is just luck that delivered me this great opportunity...hardwork had something to do with this.
Yes, I have worked hard in this project more than I have worked with any other project over the last 6 years. I've spent time away from my family, sleepless nights and received client calls even at 3am.
I've always believed that if you work very hard you will get better compensation. And that if you put your heart into what you are doing, then whatever you are doing will love you back.
But more than anything else, these golden opportunities we get are great equilibriums for all of the sacrifices and failed attempts we have had in the past.
At the right time, when we are the right person for the job, and we have the right attitude...then the opportunity will come knocking at your door.

Comings and Goings.

Today, someone special to me leaves the country.
While this has been planned over the last two years, our attachment over the last seven months has spelled so much difference - pain, ambivalence and lots of tears.

If someone will try to rewind my life...they'd know that I'd been in a similar situation two years ago.
That makes it all the more difficult for me to believe that this second situation will be a lot different in terms of ending.

But then if you try to analyze more, the comings and goings in our lifetime would probably exceed the heartaches that we have been blogging so much about - including me.

At work, there had been 6 or 7 new team members who came to join our team over the last 12 months. In an adjacent team, there were atleast 5 people who left the project to work abroad or on another company.

At home, a new baby was born over the last 8 months. And another one will be born in the next 7 months.

Within my circle of friends, one will be leaving for the Netherlands to get married, then another one will be working in China for the next two years.

This only means that the earth continues to move...that life continues to move on..and that there are little time to waste on being sad about these movements...because as long as the earth moves...there's a probability that human intersections will happen.

Do they have to bring in dollar reserves just to be recognized?

I was not a Bob Ong fan. Even during his rise as a phenomenal writer, i shrug off and ask who he is.
Today, I finished reading his book, ABNKKBSNPLAKo? and it was a wonderful experience.

The book capitalizes on his memories as a student until the day he went to college and everything went wrong.
But more than that, Bob Ong pays homage to his teachers by saying that teaching isn't a job - it is a vocation, and he touched social issues of the national budget
and the continuing decline of national interest to deliver free education to everyone.

I have to agree with him on this.
The government would spent billions of pesos to so many things within its fiscal year, even millions of pesos for the presiden't entourage on his foreign visits,
but there were never concrete plans on how to make education affordable to those people who need them the most - the poor.

Bob Ong may have been trivial and witty on his book passages, but it is never trivial to hear stories of underpaid teachers braving the daily grind of their hard-stricken life just to teach the kids.

And yeah, we always say that OFWs are the heroes because they leave their families just to be able to give them good future and deliver dollars to the country.

But what about the teachers? Is the government too busy to recognize them and all their efforts for this land? Do they have to bring in dollar reserves to this country to be given importance?

What is love?

Only recently, I came across someone who confessed that he doesn't really know how to love.
I was a bit stunned upon hearing that.
To pinoys, love comes like a second skin. We are exposed to puppy love at an early age of six or seven. We get into serious relationships even at age 15.
Sometimes, we raise families at an early age of 21 all because of love.
We dream big and we lose it all to love.

But maybe he was right.
We would often hear Iloveyous and yet when you asked them to elaborate it, they wouldn't be able to really distinguish what they love about the person that it sometimes mixes up to attraction or desire and not really love.

Then it hit me.
Love cannot be defined always. At times, you need to share it to an individual to explain it.
It is part listening, and then part understanding without judging.
Hear the stories they have to tell. Understand what they're trying to tell you and then right before you open your mouth to judge, zip it.

You may also do ala Mother Theresa. Give and give and give...without expecting to get anything of it. That maybe tiring, especially in this materialistic world. But look at where Mother Theresa is.

In the end, love will always prove to be the actions amidst all those flowery words you say. Or the gestures you show when it is all unguarded as against to those that you do when you hope to score. Or maybe that genuine concern you have for the person even if he will not be able to reciprocate it to you.

Don't take my word for the definition of love. Find it out for yourself dear. Who knows, you will be able to define it in better words.

Or maybe you can just start sharing it.

New beginning.

As a child, I always looked forward to Easter sundays because I would see a show at the end of the Salubong.

An angel coming from a building glides down to meet the image of Mary in her black dress. As the angel glides down, everyone would take pictures of it. Everyone waits for the angel to reach Mary's black dress because it needs to remove the black dress to signal the end of Mary's lament over Jesus' death as proclamation that Jesus has indeed risen.

After the pulling off of the black dress, doves will be flying around the image of Mary and one of them needs to pull off the black veil. And after the dove has clinched that black veil, Mary's image will see Jesus' risen image and all the balloons will fly in the air.

As a child, this whole event was magical, and it really fills my heart with joy.

As an adult however, I got exposed to the different facts of life that sometimes it makes it hard for me to feel joy over the painful emotion. Being more exposed to life, it also showed me that sometimes, you will encounter people who suffer from so many pains being brought about by their parents as well.

I'm not yet a parent, so I cannot speak for them yet. But I have always been a son to my parents, and yes, it is never a perfect road for all of us.

And this Holy week, I fell witness again to atleast two fathers who have brought pain to their kids, emotionally. As their friend, I told them to try to be patient and continue loving their dads. At the back of my mind, I'm thinking, how on earth will I be able to convince them to continue loving their dads, if their dads are hurting them inside and out.

I'm sure these dads have reason why they are doing these to their kids...there must be a good reason for all of these, otherwise, we can all just be parents and have the justification to hurt our kids as long as we want them to.

I know I'm never gonna be in a position good enough to approximate how fathers are made of, but I sure know that Jesus never got this much pain from His Father who has given birth to Him and who sent Him to deliver us.

I know that God may have been tough on Jesus for wanting Him to do something that He may have yet to understand, but in the end Jesus did understand what was the task all about and the purpose of the sufferings and sacrifices was revealed...for man's salvation.

I hope that these fathers will soon reveal their good intentions to their sons so that these sons will stop hurting and that all the sacrifices and emotional sufferings they have endured for more than a decade will somehow be understood.

And as they say, Easters are new beginnings, I pray that these strained relationships of Fathers and Sons will have a new beginning, not only for their sons, but also for their fathers who may have been so blinded to see how much hurt they are causing their loved ones.

Para kay Roniel at Irving.

This item was posted on pic-link December 1, 2003.
It was one of their hardest times.
Fast-forward to 2010...my friends had finally separated after seven long years of being together.

Another friend commented on the breakup..."it was sad...makes one think that nothing would last forever."

Below is my post for them in Filipino.

-----------

Para kay Roniel at Irving.

Karamihan na nating naririnig na ang pagmamahal magkaminsan ay naglalaho o nagbabago. Hindi daw natin mapipigil ang pagbabago dahil ito lamang daw ang permanente sa mundo.


Napakadaling sabihin na kapag natapos na ang isa, dapat ay tumuloy pa rin ang lahat. Mahirap talagang gawin ang mabuhay nang wala na sa tabi mo ang taong kasama mo araw-araw, magmula sa pagdilat ng iyong dalawang mata kahit may panis na laway ka pa...hanggang sa pag pikit ng mga ito kapag sobrang pagod ka na.


Pero ang katotohan ay katotohanan. Hindi natin pwedeng gawing puti ang itim. Gaano man natin ipilit. Gaano man kasakit ang tanggapin.


Sa isang taon at pitong buwan na magkasama ang mga kaibigan ko, nakita ko na totoong nagmamahalan sila. Walang put-on. Walang pretension. Hindi man kasing sweet ng karamihan sa nakita ko. Hindi pa rin ipagkakaila na totoo sila sa isa't isa. Pero silang dalawa man ay kasama sa takbo ng buhay.


At dahil mayroon silang simula, natural lamang na mayroon din wakas. Ilang linggo na silang hiwalay. Pinipilit makabangon ulit sa kabila ng mga pait at lumbay, pinipilit maging normal nang magkahiwalay.


Masakit isiping natapos na ang lahat. Pero ganun daw talaga. Patuloy pa rin sa pag ikot ang lahat.


Para kay Roniel, ibayong tatag dahil alam kong makirot pa rin ang lahat dahil buong buo ang sarili mo nang ibigay mo sa kanya. Para kay Irving, alam ko'ng masakit din sa iyo ang lahat, pero kaibigan mo pa rin kami at kahit anuman ang nangyari, mananatiling ganun ang lahat.


Para sa inyong dalawa, alam kong malalampasan ninyo ang lahat ng sakit na ito. Lahat tayo ay dumaraan sa ganitong sitwasyon. May nauuna at mahuhuli. Pinaka importante ang leksyon na natutunan mo. Masarap ang magmahal pero masakit din ito kung minsan. Pero sa tuwina ay dapat na isipin na ito pa rin ang pinakamasarap sa lahat ng bagay sa mundong ito.

Inspired.

I still remember telling you last week that you are a gem. A precious gem indeed.

Hard to be so certain why, but for one freaky instance, I felt terribly comfortable with you, telling you the things only my closest friends would know. Sharing you these bits and pieces of what I know from all of the pebbles of life I have managed to pick.

There's one thing I know. You are the breeze that refreshes.

From this ever polluted mind and the confused soul, your smile and gestures has reminded me that not all beautiful have become wicked through time. That personality would always matter. That friendship should always weigh more than the one-night deals or more than the physical attraction.

But really, it is the your humility that is above the rest. The kind that reminded me to try and be humble also because I do not know everything yet. The kind that has also made me realize that even from kids I can still learn something. That humility that draws you always to your faith to the One that has breathed life to all of us. To that one that has provided for you and never left you.

It would still take some more weeks, some more months to probably understand why are you or what are you, yet I feel so blessed now that you have chosen me one of those few whom you wanted to share your life with. If that isn't a blessing...I don't know what it is, but perhaps God thought that it is time for me to meet an angel or maybe He is teaching me how to appreciate a real gem.

Whatever luck it is that I have met you, would only matter less, because what matters right now is that I am indeed inspired. Again.

Moving on. Moving along.

Some two years ago, I have decided to take the risk and build a relationship with you.

At first, I didn't think we would click. There isn't something we had in common. But then again, my heart would always win over my mind.

And so the journey began. Unforgettable moments. Indescribable feelings. Magic carpet rides.

Then roller coaster rides. Arguments. Some disagreements. Then the distance.

I had been given the chance to tell you that I have already settled for you. That I have started dreaming of forever with you. That no matter all the imperfections or the trials, I would always always stay with you.

But when everyone isn't looking, it happened.

I thought that I can make it. That we can make it work. I guess we cannot. Not with this distance anyway.

Not when we have started to grow really apart.

Two years. Countless memories. Circles of friends. Several waking up in the morning beside you. The happiness and the pains.

All of them do not matter now. Its official. We cease to exist as a couple.

How do I move on? I'm not entirely sure how.

I have kept your clothes in the closet and started not to use them.

I renamed you in my phonebook as X.

Stopped eating halo halo. Stopped going to MOA. I have almost stopped everything just to move on from this terrible pain. But I cannot stop my life.

And so, with all of these pain and suffering from all the memories our togetherness has left me, I am moving along with this life, with our friends, with your clothes still in my closet, with your stuffed toys still in my room.

I am moving along with the busy world and drowned in it as it helps me forget about the painful stuff and hope that one day, I will smile again of the happy memories and feel nothing of the sadness that this breakup has shun upon me.

2009 Year-end report

Every year for about five years now, we gang up for a yearend dinner and then read aloud to everyone the yearend report that we have written.

No. It is not something about audit or financial stuff.

Its just a way of putting in a nutshell the important stuff of your year that has passed.

For 2009, I have decided to blog it and then share it on my fb account for my friends to see. Paperless and environmental-friendly. Haha.

Death. 2009 has shown me again that death is inevitable. An aunt and an uncle on my father side. My dog. The plants I got from a special someone. A celebrity mom I came across with. A legend. An angel. A funny girl. A great leader. They have all been called by the One who has created us all. Hard to imagine living life without them but like I have been told too many times, death is a great equilibrium. Everyone goes through it in time. It happens to the rich and famous. The pain it may bring varies and felt so terribly that it becomes a humbling experience. And then we all have to move on from it...for us who still haven't been called by Him.

Family. 2009 is considered a blessed year in my family. My dad was able to go on vacation and spend time with us. Both of my parents remain healthy. My siblings in their familial upswing. My relationship with them wasn't strained this year. I hope it continues that way. Closer to my nieces. Fun times with the relatives from time to time. Family reunions well attended. Blessings were shared to everyone. Though I miss Tatay this year on the reunion, I'm sure he is in a better place now. Still get teary-eyed not seeing him around from time to time. Funny how I am attached to him in some ways. While not everything is rosy on the familial bonds, they are still good if you look at it a bigger perspective. I just hope that in 2010 Nanay will be healthier and less depressed and that she lessens the grudges with some of her favorites. I would wish for good health and happiness for everyone in my family...along with the extended families.

Career. I had an interesting twist this year on my career. Twas the first time I got a high rating and I have accomplished much for the team. I did feel deserving of the "High Performance. Delivered." tagline. Worked hard and even managed to put my chargeability rate to 120. It was on the upswing I guess, and I'm thankful to the Lord for giving me the strength, courage and knowledge to have done them all wonderfully. Made me realize other things as well. That work is not permanent. Sometimes you have it. Sometimes you dont. Take really good care of it. Learn from it and then prove your worth. And save, not only the money it brings to your fold, but also the experiences that goes with it. Someday, it will be useful, one way or another. For 2010, I wish to be able to deliver more and perform better from my last year's feedback.

Love. I wanted to skip this part of my report, but then I had to be brave enough to write down the lessons I have learned. Simply put, love will come, love will show you the beauty of everyhing in this world, love will let you experience all the tremendous pains as well. Then love may leave. Momentarily. Or permanently. And then love may choose to remain, but only in your heart. I have lost him this year. I have no regrets about it because I share his sentiments that we both have to let go. The next line of battle to maintain that love is not feasible for me and so I indeed have to let go. To that one I have dreamt of having for the rest of my life, Thank you. Everything remains in my heart. The concern will stay, perhaps forever, but I am ready to face that forever alone but not lonely. I have told you one too many times that I will always love you. I still think I will, but life has to go on. I'm happy that we have both moved on.
-To everyone else who have lost the battle this year, never ever fear being alone.

Friends. I am forever thankful that my friends remained with me throughout this year. I have gained some new friends during the last quarter of this year and they are proving to be trustworthy like the rest of them. MY kumares remain solid with me. The PEX people are still fun to be with, and while some of them are too irritating at times, I love them in my own way. My yahoo friends still keep me updated. The Maricelian friends. The project members have grown to be friendly towards each other. Special shoutout to those friends outside the country and those college friends who never forget to get intouch and reconnect. To jamie, roniel and irving and ralf who still tries to enjoy a minute or two with me. To all my ates, in and outside of facebook, special mention to my girls...ags, mye, liezle, jing, rocky, miss deng, catz and those I rarely see, maan and arie. Last but not the least are my inner circle. The circle I have coffee with every week. The baguio gang. The bekis. Be it in gembangs or std, you all proved to be worthy of my time and some effort. Its sad that one of us has migrated somewhere but wherever our destiny bring us, we will always always be together in hearts. Love you all guys.

Its not a ride in the park.

It was the usual weekly project meeting when I got into the room.

They were all discussing the metrics for the past week, the working targets and some project updates.

Didn't think there would be something out of the ordinary until it was almost 6pm.

Two of the team members rushed in and they halted Lala from leaving.

Suddenly a powerpoint presentation was infront of everyone.

Cheesy? Not really.

It was just a collection of old pics of Lala with the team played along a background song that I do not know what is but its catchy.

After the 10-minute presentation, someone asked Lala what she feels now that she is rolling off, and it was her last day.

She couldn't speak because she is now crying. After four attempts to utter some words, she said, "I feel happy and sad."

And another question was asked, "How was it working with the team?"

With a smile, she said, "Well..it is not a ride in the park."

Very true.

Alongside her powerpoint presentation, I was doing some flashbacks of my own.

I rolled into the team last year, and some sixteen months later, I somehow believed every inch of that "not a ride in the park"...

Of how many times I got sacked because of some client issues. Or how many times I had to attend a conference call with a counterpart who couldn't help save my ass.

But Lala was also right in saying that the team has improved alot and that she is happy to leave the team now that it has gone better and with more interaction from the subteams.

On her last few messages, I smiled mainly because I realized that the only thing permanent inside the company is change, and with the quick turn of events, who knows who would roll off next.

But I am also glad that I was able to work with Lala. Her managerial style is a mixture of fun and pressure and concerns that you sometimes do not see but would later on realize that it is there.

I couldn't really call her my mentor even if she was assigned as my mentor and also my manager. For me, mentoring would have to be more than just a couple of meetings.

Yet, she will always be an inspiration because I saw in her the determination. The will to always deliver to the client's expectation even if sometimes she had to be so hard to her subordinates.

While at some point, working with her is not a ride in the park, in all other points it was a stroll.

so proud of you...

i read your blog entry last 14th and before i could finish the last sentence i'm already crying.

been a while that i think of your plight there...you must know that i tried to stop meddling in your activities there eversince we have decided to call it quits.

never been easy trying to live my life without you..much more without the thoughts of you...but i don't have much choice on that.

your last blog entry hit me again...i felt how hard it has become for you...but im doubly proud that you are alive and kicking there after one year.

i wish i could alleviate some pains and make you smile even for a while so that you'd be able to forget how hard it is there but maybe i'll just keep on praying so that you'll stay safe and healthy...and will thank the Lord that you are doing a wonderful job there for your dreams and your family.

some of our common friends teased me lately coz you're almost vacationing...i gave a fake smile and my signature roll-eyes...said i'm never gonna be able to meet you again without the tears..and i think its gonna be hard hiding these tears as well...but not to worry..the tears aren't just for the pain...its also because i'm so damn proud of you.

keep it up tavz...i'll always be proud of you.